They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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