Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
