her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
why do cheetos always look like penises
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
