I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I will be naked everywhere
I fill condoms, not promises.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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