I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
