Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
