you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
