The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
