My cat gives me a boner
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize