just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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