There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
