Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
