I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
