So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
