New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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