You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
