I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
