Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
