my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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