goodnight i made you a song goodbye
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
