life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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