My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
