i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
