there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My ATM looks so different sober.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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