You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Boobs are out for the taking
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
