google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
