not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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