god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
