Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
