The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
