No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
