U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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