you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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