wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
