So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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