I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize