The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
