There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
