He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
