someone threw a dead crab at me
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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