I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
