There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
