If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
