remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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