so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
