Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
