Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
