1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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