fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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