I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
