you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize