I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
