in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
