i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
