Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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