It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
