This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
