I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
