I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
