I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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