I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
