you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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